


The long drive home.

by EmNeedsSleep



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: All about that weird world of adulthood, Alternate Universe - Human, And Patton Typical Nostalgia, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-09-25 04:57:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17114918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmNeedsSleep/pseuds/EmNeedsSleep
Summary: It’s a five hour and fifty two minute drive from Patton’s apartment in Atlanta to his hometown in Gainesville. Three hundred and fifty two minutes of dark highway roads with only him and the white lines leading back. Back to old memories, heartbreaks, and of course- what remained of the people he called his famILY.





	1. Three Hundred and Fifty Two Minutes.

**Author's Note:**

> Me? Projecting onto Patton? Yes. Absolutely. It’s not even slightly subtle. This ain’t my usual fluff and I’m sorry. There have just been Things™ in my life and I thought during a recent road trip following a wild series of events, that it would make for great fic material. So here you go. Enjoy this mess.
> 
> Pairings: Past Royality, Moxiety, Logince, Remani, Former familial DLMP, Familial PattonxEmile- honestly it’s a mess, just go with it. 
> 
> Warnings: Angst like theres no tomorrow, abandonment issues, alcohol, lying, vague dependency issues, chronic illness, abuse mentioned in passing, I’d highly recommend reading the warning tags of each chapter before embarking on this journey with me. It’s gonna be a rough one.

It seemed like no matter what, nighttime always fell on Patton when he made this trip. No matter how early he left, or how fast he sped, he couldn’t escape the darkness that crested him as afternoon turned into evening.

The asphalt road stretching on for five hours and forty two minutes from Atlanta to Gainesville always seemed to be drenched in the lonely yellow glow of headlights, and shrouded in just enough darkness to fuel the melancholy. It was straight out of a bad indie movie, and Patton didn’t like it one bit. 

The headlights of oncoming cars from the opposite side of the highway bounced their lights on the lenses of his glasses as he gripped the steering wheel with white-knuckle tension settling in his fists. The cold indifference of the spanning woods next to the highway, and the other unaware travelers passed him by as a quiet melody spilled from his phone speaker as the all-too-quiet soundtrack to his breakdown. 

God, why did his radio have to be broken? He’d give anything to have loud music drown out his thoughts right now. 

He took a deep shuddering breath. He was doing this for Emile. He could get through this if he just kept reminding himself of his best friend. A smile on that sunshine face was worth all the anxiety and turmoil in his heart. 

Emile was his best friend, and Patton would do anything for him. Through thick and thin they had always stayed together- They even got matching tattoos on their wrists, Emi had a gotten a little Stitch, and Patton had a cute cartoon Lilo. It had been a congratulation gift from right after Emile had been released from the hospital the summer of their high school graduation. They marathoned the movie on repeat for hours in the weeks leading up to getting the tattoos, Emile chattering all throughout about how it was a perfect metaphor for them. That a family could be built. That even if the world fell beneath their feet, they still had each other. 

It was a symbol. That no matter what the world threw at them they always had each other. They were family- and the only two original famILY members left- Or, at least to Patton they were. 

Patton grit his teeth as he recalled the series of events that brought him to this godforsaken highway cluttered with assholes who don’t know how to drive, and deafening, screaming silence. It had been earlier that month; Patton had been eagerly showing Emile his new apartment over skype- chattering on about his new job, how much he liked Atlanta, and all the new friends he was making there. Ever since Patton had left Gainesville they always had their ritual ‘skype dates’ where they would catch up on what was going on in each other’s life. Emile had been so excited that Patton was back in drivable distance, and Patton was happy that he was settling in.

“No one can replace you though.” Patton hummed, flipping the camera on his phone so it showed his sadly smiling face. “Being so far is less than Em-deal.” 

“PFT- That one was bad- But it’s much closer than before!” Emile snorted from the low resolution screen. “So at least theres that!” 

Patton grimaced, guilt sinking it’s filthy claws into his chest. It was true, they were much closer now than they had been before. Patton had attended college in Baltimore, leaving Emile behind- and despite the fact they skyped and texted constantly, and visited occasionally over the three years it took for Pat to get his college degree, he still felt like he had left Emile behind in Gainesville. 

“True,” Patton beamed, trying to mask the sickening feeling brewing beneath his sternum. “I guess I’ll have to visit soon to get my daily dose of vitamin E.” 

“Actually, about that!” Emile lit up from behind the tiny screen. “Can you visit the weekend of the fourth?” 

Patton’s face bloomed into a broad smile, heart already picking up at the thought of being with Emile again “Yeah, probably! Why? You planning something?” 

“Yeah! I’m throwing a party for Remy’s birthday, and I really want you to come!” Emile giggled, “It’d be perfect, you could meet up with everybody again!” 

“Oh, cool!” Patton giggled, flopping back onto his new couch, “That sounds like fun, I’d love to come Emmy! Are Kai and Elliot gonna be there? It’s been a while since I’ve seen them!” 

“Yup! The whole crew…” Emile paused, biting his lip before speaking up again. “A-actually, about that-” 

Patton drew his eyebrows together and frowned, “What? Is something wrong? Oh my god they didn’t break off their QPR did they?!?” 

“No! At least, I hope not- it’s just- I, um-” Emile looked down from the screen, visibly fidgeting in his oversized sweater. “Roman and Logan are going to be there too.” 

Patton’s eyes widened, and his heart seized. Fury caught onto his veins and spread like wildfire- His chest erupting in hurt as old wounds he thought were gone began to ache with agitation and heat. He wanted to cry in frustration- not at Emile, but at himself for still being so bent up out of shape over all this. After all, it’d been five whole years since they left the famILY- you’d expect Pat to have built a bridge and moved on by now.

But he didn’t. Despite what he had told Emile and himself, he wasn’t over it. That was a deep cut that never seemed to heal right, and constantly reopened after one too many drinks at college parties. It reopened every time someone suggested a Disney marathon, or whenever anybody brought up Crofters jam and talked about the stars. Five fucking years and he still saw them in slammed doors, in old shows they used to chat about, in every group of friends he never had the heart to get close to.

He saw them as ghosts under streetlights while listening to old playlists they shared and silently crying into the night sky. But he couldn’t let Emile know that. Know how weak he was, or how much this hurt. He had to be strong and support his best friend. He refused to be another person who did damage- refused to be anything like Declan. Quickly forcing his face into a tight smile, Patton spoke up, “Oh, uh. I didn’t know you were talking to them again.” 

“Yeah, I meant to tell you during my visit last spring.” Emile sighed, “But then- my flare up…” 

Patton nodded, remembering how hard that spring had been on Emile. He and Remy had been planning that trip for months, and Emile was so excited about it. The little cartoon nerd chatted nonstop about all the things they were going to do, and Patton mirrored his enthusiasm. At that point it had been eight months since they were able to see each other in person, and Patton was itching to be able to hug his best friend again. Then, about two weeks before they were supposed to leave for Baltimore, there was a sudden cold-snap in Gainesville. For everyone else, it was just a bad spot of weather, but for Emile that meant his fibromyalgia pain went up tenfold- poor Emmy not even being able to get out of bed most days, much less get on a plane and then go around town with Patton. 

Needless to say, the trip had been cancelled. Emile apologized profusely to Patton over it- and despite Pat being more than familiar and supportive with Emile’s limitations and disability, Emile still felt guilty over it.

“Okay, so when did that all start happening?” Patton chuckled, but it felt all kinds of dry and tasteless in his throat. He was so angry. He should have never left Gainesville. Never left Emile alone and vulnerable to these emotional leeches that festered there.

“Around March. I ran into Logan at the library.” Emile mumbled into the screen, still failing to meet Pat’s eyes. “We got talking about Dee, and everything that happened- He said he and Roman felt really guilty about leaving things like that. One thing led to another, and I agreed to meet up with them at McDonalds to hang out. They’re doing much better now, if you were wondering. Logan released his first book.” 

‘I wasn’t wondering. I didn’t want to know that they were doing fine. I just wanted to pretend like they didn’t exist. Why are you doing this to me-’ Patton’s thoughts spiraled into not-so-friendly thoughts as he blinked back tears, keeping the smile glued to his face like armor. “Oh? That’s great to hear! I’m so happy for them!” 

“Roman said he really wants to see you again.” Emile whispered quietly, before quickly throwing out, “You don’t have to, of course. I’ll understand if that’s too much for you. He just feels really really bad about how he left things with you.” 

‘Good. He should.’ Patton though bitterly, grinding his back teeth. ‘He fucking abandoned me- they both did.’

“Awe, I feel bad things ended so poorly too!” He choked out, tongue awash in the bitter taste of his words. He needed a dodge, an out to this. He needed to say ‘no.’ “I’d love to come! If anything it’s been too long since I’ve seen you and Remy!”

“Are you sure Pattycake? We could always have a small celebration on our own…” The pet name stung, and Patton had to resist the urge to wince. Emile only broke that one out when he knew he was saying stuff Patton didn’t want to hear. And truth be told, he would much rather have a one-on-two party with Remy and Emile. But like hell he was going to go with that. One party was already enough of a strain on Emile’s body. Hosting him for another, no matter how small, was out of the question.

“Nah, I’m good! Listen, I gotta go- I’m getting a call. But I’ll see you the fourth!” Patton quickly rattle out trying his best to keep down the tremor in his voice.

“O-okay then, see you..” Patton didn’t even wait for Emile to finish before he hung up on the call. His eyes were burning with the threat of tears as he ran his shaking hands through his hair. It had been so long since he had felt the familiar sting of betrayal, and he hated himself for feeling it. Patton knew Emile wasn’t actively betraying him, it was his fault for not letting his best friend in on the depth of that hurt. But that’s just what it felt like. It felt like Emile was turning his back on Patton- the one person who he had expected to stay true, to not hurt him anymore. 

And with no one else to scream his anger and loneliness to, Patton screamed into the pillow. His wails unheard by the city outside the suffocating dark emptiness of his studio apartment.

—*—

The half-way point between Atlanta and Gainesville was this small highway side town called Tifton. Patton never saw it beyond the Kwik-Trip right off the exit and the various fast food restaurants that surrounded it. He didn’t really want to stop, but he needed gas and caffeine if he was going to make it the other half of this road trip.

Not that this even felt like a road trip. Road trips, to Patton, were synonymous with excitable chatter, awful snack foods, and long curated playlists hand-tailored to fit the perfect driving mood. This- this felt like none of that. It felt like a death march.

As he punched in the ‘pay inside’ option on the pump and let the meter tick up as gas filled his tank, Patton glared at the highway. He thought about the cars that passed him. About the people inside going to their homes, their families, the people who cared about them- To happier places where they’d be welcomed with open arms. 

Patton felt jealous of them. Feeling welcomed was a rare occurrence these days.

Shaking his head, the pump made a ‘click’ letting him know his tank was full. He put the nozzle back into it’s place and stormed inside to the store, turning his back to the highway and the people on it. He knew he was being childish, that he didn’t know those people’s lives, or even that they weren’t also just as miserable feeling as him. That those kinds of thoughts were unproductive, and would only worsen his mood.

But in the moment he didn’t care. He just wanted to be bitter for a while. 

The sliding glass doors thrust him from the cool night air to the stale warmth of the overbearing florescent lights of the convenient store. It was mostly empty, with a few weary travelers loitering between the isles like specters haunting the cheap snacks and drinks that filled this highway house. Patton payed them very little mind as he stormed passed everything to get to the walls lined with clear glass doors and brightly colored drinks that would rot his insides. His tired eyes glancing over the brands and designs trying to pick the beverage that would give him the least amount of cancer when consumed. 

As he passively walked passed one door to the next, he caught the sight of a familiar logo, and the invisible wound between his ribcage ached with painful pulses throughout his body. He stayed there, engaged in a staring contest he couldn’t win as memories flashed through the forefront of his mind. Winter nights were he’d stop at the run-down grocery store that sat in the middle of town to pick up a case of the offending beverage on his way to his real home. The escape from an empty house with volatile echoes of fights and abuse soaked into the walls so thoroughly that it could never be scrubbed out. From people who shared his bloodline to the people he actually believed were his family. To long hours spent laughing over jokes, and playing video games and chugging can after can of this gross sugary crap they couldn’t seem to get enough of.

Of that suddenly disappearing. Of fights over phone calls, and frantic pleading messages. Of please no, god please don’t go. I need this. I just need you to stay, please-

“Hey, uh- you okay there…sir?” A low voice ripped Patton from his trip down memory lane and snapped him back into the convenient store. The lights suddenly painfully bright, and the air suffocating as Patton turned to the uncomfortable teenager with faded purple hair and dark eyeshadow under his eyes staring at him. Judging him.

“Yup! I’m fine kiddo! I just can’t decide what I want to get- there are so many wonderful options!” Patton laughed, but it was too quick and too high pitched. He internally cringed as his wobbly voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

The teen looked him up and down, raising an eyebrow in disbelief. “Y-you sure? You’re crying.” 

Oh, when did that happen? “Oh! Yeah, my contacts are just bugging the right heck out of me today! You guys wouldn’t have any eyedrops would you?” 

The teen furrowed his brows, clearly not buying what Patton was selling- but being too overworked and too underpaid to really bother. “Yeah, um. The next isle over.” 

“Great! Thank you so much!” Patton beamed at the tired teen, before turning heel and speed walking passed the rest of the drinks and towards the other isle. He’ll just stop and get a coffee from a drive through, it wasn’t worth dealing with all this mess. 

—*—

The highway was a lonely place at night. 

As he got closer to Gainesville the cars around him thinned to one or two with the occasional semi-truck he passed. Signs for exits reflected back at him counting down to the one that was his like a countdown. And it seemed like the closer he got the lonelier he felt. 

It made next to no sense. Patton was constantly surrounded by people. He had friends in Atlanta, he had his coworkers at work, and friends online. People he cared very deeply for and who cared very deeply for him in return. He had Emile, and Remy, and Kai, and Elliot-

So why did it feel like he was the only person left on Earth right now? Why did he feel so deserted? 

It seemed like the more he steeped in his thoughts the less sense it all seemed to make. What was he even doing on this road trip anymore? Emile surely didn’t need to see him that badly. Despite his illness Emile had always been popular, plus he had Remy now- and of course those two were back in the picture. So was Patton really needed? Why couldn’t the world just leave him alone to fade away like the ghost he was? Why hang on so tightly?

Why was Patton even still so hungry for a family- it always seemed to just blow up in his face every time, so why even try? 

His exit came up and the soft click of the blinker stopped his train of thought just enough for him to catch a glimpse of the town that slowly started to surround him. Places he knew from muscle memory and he had seen so many times before that now felt foreign to him. It was the same but it wasn’t. Everything had changed but it didn’t. This was his home, but it was also a stranger.

The same strip malls, and buildings stood- but some of the signs had changed, or new businesses had moved in. The construction that had plagued the town all thoroughout his high school years had finally come to a close with nicer roads and new stop lights put in. The huge condo had finally been finished, and now there were people living in them with furnishing on the porches and warm lights shining on Patton’s car as he passed.

Everything stayed the same, but it didn’t. 

The route to Emile’s house was second nature. He didn’t even look at the signs to know which turns to take. If he looked closer, he could swear there were ruts in the road from how many times he had driven from his house to Emile’s only to go back when he had to hung-over, and worn out, but feeling all the more lighter than he had before he left. 

He let out a light chuckle as the county road turned into another one- When Pat first got his license and started having to remember where Emile’s house was, it had always helped that Emile lived off of county road EM.

And before he knew it he was pulling up on the paved drive way they had vandalized with chalk so many times, and to the familiar house alight with excitement already. The spot he had always parked in was vacant, and Pat felt a little better knowing Emile probably squared it off for him.

Despite all his lonely highway thoughts, the people that came and went, and everything that happened to them, Emile always managed to make a space for him. 

He put the car in park, and cut out the keys. Taking a small moment to sit and take some breaths, Patton sized up what he was walking into. 

Emile’s house was already alight, the party either just starting or moving into mid-swing. Patton could hear the steady thrum of Remy’s shit dubstep music blaring from the outside, and a bonfire had been started with people already milling around it as vague silhouettes from where Patton was sitting. 

He couldn’t turn back now, he had to suck it up and launch himself into the fray. With any luck, he could just stick to chatting with his old classmates and former neighbors. Hey, maybe Roman and Logan didn’t even show up and he was getting all worked up over nothing. Maybe everything would be fine.

Yeah, everything would be fine. He’d just keep telling himself that until it was true. 

Yanking his backpack from the trash clutter that had accumulated on the passenger seat over the nearly six hours it took to get there, Patton finally emerged from the vehicle. Walking down the paved pathway from the front driveway to the back of the house, Patton discreetly bypassed all of Remy’s friends whom he didn’t seem to know or remember, slipping around to the back of the house and up the deck to the sliding glass doors into Emile’s furnished basement. 

This space was an old friend, the wooden table that usually held their card and board games was now flooded with pizza boxes that were in varying states of completion. The couch they’d slept on was cluttered with people chatting and laughing, as the TV Patton and Emile marathoned movies on blared music from some streaming service Patton didn’t care about. 

And then there was the bar. Where Patton and Emile had split bottles of wine in their youth and yelled at each other their woes until the alcohol washed away their mistakes and left them giggling tangles of body parts on the floor. Now, it was covered in liquor bottles of vibrant colors, and just beyond it’s fold was his best friend and only famILY member, laughing into a red solo cup.

A grin crossed Patton’s face. As he looked at Emile for the first time in a while, he felt a little more at home. “Guess who!”

“AAAAAHHHH PATTON!!! YOU MADE IT!!!” Emile shrieked excitedly as soon as his bespectacled eyes landed on the other boy. The cardigan clad clod practically vaulting over the bar and tearing through the crowed to envelop Pat in a tight hug. “Oh my gosh I’m so happy you’re here!! I’ve missed you so much, I’m so happy I get to hug you again!” 

“Ehe, I’m happy to see you too Emmy!!” Patton squealed in spite of himself. He took his sweet time burying his face in Emile’s soft cardigan and breathing in the scent of home. Emile always smelled like his sandalwood cologne, fresh wind detergent, and a vague undertone of clinical sanitized hospital smell- but if Patton had to put a name on it, Emile smelled purely of ‘Home.’

“Hey gurl heeey!” Another familiar voice called from right behind the hugging duo. Emile slowly released Patton so he could address his babe-in-shades, Remy, smirking at them.

“Happy birthday Remy!!!” Patton hummed happily. He had always loved Remy- he was a great significant other to Emile, and just an all around good guy. Patton had many fond memories riding shotgun in Rem’s beat up car as they went to go surprise pick-up Emile from his doctor’s appointments. Remy just fit so naturally that it didn’t feel like ‘hanging out with your best friend’s boyfriend’ but rather, just being with another friend.

Remy shook his head clicking his tongue. “Birthday wishes later. Bring it in bitch, it’s been too damn long!” The lanky boy stretched his arms dramatically, and Patton laughed as he launched himself into Remy’s arms. Remy took advantage of his superior height and strength by picking Patton up and twirling him around in an over-the-top display of affection.

God, Patton had really missed them.

“Thanks for coming girl, I know traffic must have been a bitch.” Remy beamed, setting Patton down and moving to wrap his arms around his and Emile’s waists. “But your arrival calls for a celebration shot. Lets get this party STARTED!” 

Patton laughed heartily as Remy escorted the two of them through the crowed and towards the bar. He poured a shot of something Patton couldn’t really identify, but burned delightfully as they threw it back. From there there were more drinks, and loud chatter as more familiar faces from years passed surrounded to greet Patton and catch up on what they were up to these days. It just flowed so naturally, it almost was as if Patton never truly left in the first place. Baltimore, Atlanta, work, his new friends, his worries- it all felt so far away now. All his stress and hurt swallowed by the elation of finally being back in a place were everyone knew your name and could laugh along with you. 

Which left Patton all that more defenseless to the sound of the sliding doors opening and the figures that stood in them.

Patton froze mid sip of his drink. Hell, all time practically froze in that moment. The tanned skin and glittering green eyes were the same as they had been five years ago. His haircut had barely even changed, with sunny brown locks perfectly quaffed in waves around his face. The same broad shoulders sporting the same red t-shirts of years passed, and the same glow hung around him, reminding Patton of what it was he had fallen in love with all those years ago.

It was all the same, and Patton had mentally prepared for the hurt of it over the long hours of the car ride. Over the weeks leading up to the party. Over the months he spent in Baltimore, and the years it had been since they left him. He had been dreading and accepting the pain. The agony that would be seeing Roman and Logan happy and on their own while he was left to fester in the nostalgia of what was and would never be again.

But one thing didn’t stay the same, and that was something Patton wasn’t ready for. Because as he stared at Roman’s wide eyes and stunned expression the axe never dropped. The ache in his chest whisked away into the space beyond his reach. As Patton’s glittering blue eyes looked at his former love and the boy who singlehandedly crushed his heart in all the worst ways, there was no sting, no agony, no urge to cry and scream, or throw everything in his face and leave.

When Patton finally saw Roman again after all these years, he felt absolutely nothing.


	2. A night without stars.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman made a mistake. He knew from the beginning that he had completely fucked up. But he never knew how much he’d regret it until Patton looked at him and all the stars in those big blue eyes were gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is incredibly therapeutic to write. Next DWAU coming soon, I just had to get this out and away from me.
> 
> Warnings: mild alcohol abuse, awkward conversations, smoking, minor confrontation

 

Roman had fucked up.

Roman had fucked up really badly. 

He had known he’d fucked up. Made peace with the destruction, and vowed to do better once he was able to see Patton again.

But he never really realized the extent of the damage until he was standing face-to-face with his mistake. All at once it seemed like every little red flag and every little warning sign finally hit him and it became clear that there wasn’t anything he was able to do to take it back. To make things how they used to be.

He had ruined it, like he always did. He just ruined everything good in his life beyond repair.

Roman felt like he was cracking apart as he meekly raised a hand to wave at Patton. Patton smiled at him and waved back, but it was wrong. The smile was not a beaming, shining display like he remembered. It was the same smile Pat used for strangers he met during his old customer service jobs. 

All the love and adoration Roman had been used to getting from Patton was gone. And something about that hurt him so much more than he'd expected it to. 

“Are you going to go in, or just stand in the doorway all night?” Logan sighed, pushing past Roman and moving into the living room either oblivious of the tension, or simply uncaring of it. The lankier boy maneuvering flawlessly through the crowd of people to get to the bar and throw back the first container of alcohol he came in contact with. 

"Salutations, Patton.” He stated flatly, “I hope you're doing well.” 

“Ehe, nice to see you too, Logan!” Patton giggled from the bar and Roman resisted the urge to cry. This scene was wrong. Logan and Patton were supposed to be best friends- Patton was supposed to throw himself onto Logan and cuddle him, and Logan was supposed to grumpily protest despite loving the affection. This exchange didn't feel like two long time friends reuniting, it felt like two aquaintances passing each other on the street. "How's the book coming along?”

"UUUGGGGHHHHH-” Logan groaned, throwing back yet more alcohol. “I'm going to kill Stephanie.”

Patton chuckled lightly, but the true mirth he'd hold for Logan's more dramatic responses was missing. “Is that your publisher?” 

“Yes.” Logan sighed putting his head on the bar top. “She pushed back the release date of the second book. Again. I swear, I don't know what requires so much time- Just publish the damn thing already!”

Patton laughed again into his cup and Roman was still resisting the urge to scream. That wasn't the way Patton laughed at their antics. Patton's laugh was supposed to be more bubbly, more genuine. This wasn't the Patton Roman knew anymore. The one from high school, who loved them more than anything. This was a stranger wearing a Patton suit. Someone Roman didn't know.

His entire being cried out for the real Patton, but no answer ever came. Just fake, sugary sweet smiles and hollow laughs in a mock performance of the Patton he had remembered. This new changeling of a man was all that was left. 

And one way or another, Roman was going to have to deal with it. “Long time no see, Patton! What’s new with you.” He tried, plastering on his best, fake brave face as he maneuvered around the crowed to join Logan at the bar.

“Oh y’know. Same old stuff as before.” Patton laughed out effortlessly, before tossing back the remains of his cup. Something in Roman frowned at this. That…didn’t seem like a real answer.

“Yeah? And what does that ‘same old’ entail?” He tried again, awkwardly chuckling in an attempt to lift the grim mood he was feeling.

“Oh you know! I’m still working too much, and playing video games when I’m not working.” Patton shrugged. “Can I get you a drink?”

Another fake answer from Patton, that left a distaste in Roman’s mouth. Why was Patton avoiding telling him anything? What was his job? What did he do? What video games was he playing? It felt like every option to delve closer into Patton’s personality was being blocked. Like Roman was doing nothing but running into walls.

When did Pat become so guarded? “Sure, I’ll take whatever you’re having.” 

Patton made a somewhat disapproving face, and the sorrow in Roman turned slightly defensive. “Are you sure? There’s alcohol in this.” 

“I am aware.” Roman sighed back.

“Roman drinks now, Pat.” Emile chimed in, trying to provide fillers into the holes of Patton’s memory.

“Oh? Really? You were so staunchly against alcohol as a kid!” Patton giggled, shrugging before fixing Roman the drink.

‘ _Yeah, and so were you._ ’ Roman thought to himself, but didn’t dare to voice aloud. ‘ _When did that change_?’ 

“Here ya go, kiddo!” Patton chirped, handing over a plastic cup full of dark liquid over to to Roman. Roman grunted a quick ‘thank you,’ before going to take a sip. Maybe alcohol will make this exchange easier.

However upon tasting the bitter, and burning liquid on his tongue, Roman quickly spat up the sip back into his cup. Patton giggled. “Whoops! Guess I should have warned you- I make strong drinks.” 

‘ _Strong is an understatement!_ ’ Roman whined internally, as someone- probably Logan, patted his back. ‘ _This is practically a cup full of straight rum!_ ’ “Yeah, geez Pat.” He coughed out a bit. “How are you able to drink that stuff?” 

Patton shrugged, taking a big gulp of his own newly fixed drink. Roman winced for him. “College changed me, as a man.” 

‘ _Yeah, I can see that._ ’ Roman grumbled to himself, pouring in a bit more soda to make the drink more tolerable. ‘ _What the hell happened to you?_ ’ 

Before he could open his mouth and try to fix this painfully awkward conversation, someone new entered and Patton enthusiastically went to go greet them. Roman watched from his seat, sorrow, anger, and confusion filling his heart.

“He certainly has changed.” Logan hummed from his seat besides Roman, earning a cautious look from Emile.

“‘ _Changed_ ’ is an understatement! He’s a completely different person!” Roman whined eyes still glued to the bright blue of Patton’s back. “Emile who is that and what have they done with Patton?!” 

“Guys, be nice.” Emile sighed, taking a few empty cups and throwing them into the trash nearby. “He’s been through a lot recently. It might take some time for him to warm up to you again.” 

“It would certainly be nice to know what that ‘a lot’ is.” Roman grumbled bitterly, turning back to his cup. “Is it just me, or did he just dodge all of my questions?” 

“Roman.” Emile sighed, “Stop taking this so personally, alright? Don’t forget, we had to deal with Dee for months after you left. It’s natural for him to be a little distrusting.” 

Roman glared into his cup. Right, Dee. The little shit who tore up their friendship completely, but not all on his own.

It was true, Roman and Logan decided they couldn’t take it anymore. All of the lies, the shittalking behind everyone’s back- it had made them both paranoid to the point they didn’t want to be around any of the old members of their friend-group anymore. Like they couldn’t trust anyone in affiliation with Dee anymore. So Logan and Roman cut all ties with Dee and everyone else in favor of working on their book. 

Not for lack of trying though. Patton tried desperately to fix the situation. To make everyone happy, or at the very least keep some semblance of a relationship with Roman and Logan. And they…just shut him out. Roman was so frightened that everything he said would make it’s way back to Dee. That any information could be used against him.

He imagined he acted quite the same way at Patton as Patton was acting now. But the threat was gone; none of them talked to Dee anymore.

So what was Patton so afraid of?

—-

Patton liked being drunk way more than he probably should.

In his defense, he was a happy, bubbly drunk. Under the influence he loved people, and felt like nothing could hurt him. His troubles and worries felt so far away to the point he could no longer understand what it was he was so upset about.

Patton didn’t get drunk a lot, but when he did he relished the freedom from feeling it gave him.

And that’s how he found himself outside, sitting around the bonfire chatting up someone he didn’t know. She was very pretty though, and delightful to talk to even if just in casual conversation. Her name might be Valerie but Patton wasn’t that good with names, even when he was sober. 

When Valerie was called over by one of her friends Patton turned to the next available person and started listening to what they were saying. They offered him a cigarette and he took it along with a light- he was going to die young anyway from all the stress, might as well enjoy a few vices along the way. 

He was about half way through the nasty-tasting smoke stick when Roman found him, the other wrinkling his nose at the sight. “I didn’t know you smoke.” 

It took a moment for the words to register with Patton, and he smiled at the other while shrugging. “Well, y’know- When in _Rome-an_!” 

The pun put a face of cringe on Roman’s face, and Patton turned away. ‘ _Fine, screw you._ ’ He thought to himself, ‘ _If you disapprove you can just fuck right off like you did before. I don’t care anymore._ ’ 

“You do know that’ll give you cancer, right?” Roman tried with a dry chuckle. Patton frowned, taking a final drag and flicking the end in the fire.

“Yeah, and so will sunlight, the water, and pretty much all the food we eat, kiddo.” He stood up, “Right now all your cells are slowly setting on fire and we’re all going to die eventually. Why not at least enjoy it for a bit?” He walked passed Roman, pausing and then turning around- as if Roman was only a second thought. “I need another drink, do you want anything?” 

Roman frowned deeper, and Patton mentally rolled his eyes. “No, I’m good. Thanks.” 

Patton gave him a final shrug and headed inside, only getting side tracked by a few people and conversations, before they amassed a crowed around the bar. Finally the laughter and jokes were back flowing easily, and Patton could wash the nasty taste of Roman’s general disapproval out of his mouth.

After someone challenged him to shots, and abysmally lost in a Smash tournament consisting of every player playing Kirby the entire time, Patton found himself laying on the floor and giggling, Logan watching from a chair nearby.

“…So, Patton. How was your college experience?” Logan tried eventually, Patton noted the slight look of concern in his eyes- but decided he didn’t like it, and wouldn’t let Logan bring down his mood.

“Generally it sucked.” Patton shrugged, “The first few months were fun, but then the courses got really hard, and everything with Trevor happened- but then I met Toby and managed to graduate. So at least theres that!” He chuckled.

Logan furrowed his brows, pressing his lips together. This felt like a whole chapter of Patton’s life summed up into a few sentences. And there was so much he was missing from it. “What did you study that was so hard? And who is Trevor, and Toby?”

Patton giggled, that’s right- Lolo didn’t know. He wasn’t Emile, and he didn’t stick around for the shitshow. “I studied programming! Remember how I wanted to make video games? I decided to go into that- but it was super hard, and I don’t even make games now. I work as a tech manager for a banking firm and it’s super boring.” Pat sat up, grabbing his cup and taking another gulp of the burning swill within it. This probably had to be his last drink for a while, lest he threw up or passed out. “Trevor is a bitch, and will be only referred to as fuck-face mcgillcuddy from now on. Toby is cool. I met him at a party and we became like siblings. He’s super obsessed with Halloween- his full name is even ‘October.’ After I moved from Baltimore he still kept messaging me. Though he mainly just sends me memes.” 

Logan blinked twice. Somehow, despite talking more- Patton didn’t truly say anything. The most human thing that came out of his mouth was about Trevor, given that Patton never typically swore. Whatever happened with Trevor it was probably bad- Or maybe Patton was just drunk, Logan really couldn’t tell. Despite that there was nothing to really go off of for Logan to further the conversation. He wasn’t one to press a sensitive subject after all, so he had to find something else to go on.

“Toby sounds cool, I guess.” He tried, fidgeting in his seat. “Um, do you like dungeons and dragons?” 

“I LOVE dungeons and dragons!” Patton lit up, like an excited puppy. “I’m actually a DM for an online campaign! They even call me the _Dad_ geon Master!”

‘ _Oh thank god,_ ’ Logan sighed inwardly, ‘ _At least we can talk about something, finally._ ’ “Roman and I do too. We’ve actually been interested in doing a campaign, but can’t find enough people to play.” 

“Well if you need a DM I’m down!” Patton hummed, giggles bubbling up from his chest. “I could build you guys an epic campaign!” 

“I think I’ll take you up on that.” Logan smiled warmly, for the first time in what felt like forever. “I think it would be a fantastic chance for us to all catch up.” 

“Heck yeah! What kind of character do you play? I bet you’d make an awesome mage!” Patton prattled on, and Logan chuckled.

“Actually, I primarily play rangers.” He hummed, “I find the companion aspect gives me a strategic advantage.” 

There was something in that that gave Patton pause. Logan shrunk inwardly at the blank face Patton gave him, like he almost didn’t really believe what Logan was saying.

It made Logan feel small, and foolish. Like he was better off not opening his mouth at all. “Oh! That’s really neat kiddo! I never would have guessed!” Patton smiled, but it didn’t fix the weird vibe Logan was getting. If anything, it only felt more patronizing.

“Yes, well.” Logan got up, looking for any excuse to leave the conversation. “I think I better find Roman.” 

“You do that then!” Patton hummed sipping from his cup. “Catch you around!” 

Logan didn’t say anything back, as he ducked out of the sliding doors in favor of being literally anywhere else but in the same room with Patton. The night air only soothed his soul a fraction of a bit, as he distanced himself from the vile air that had come between them. Was Patton always like that? So belittling? Was Logan getting worked up over nothing?

It didn’t seem like that. When Logan looked back on his memories with Patton he thought of the sweet kid who was always at Roman’s house. The bubbly innocent kid who always had the best hugs Logan never knew he needed, and went along with all their hair-brained ideas, or was always willing to stay up into the early hours of the night playing video games with them.

That idea was so tainted now. So grossly bastardized that it felt like two separate idealizations of two completely different people. It actually hurt. It hurt Logan that Patton was acting this way. He didn’t even know what to do.

He wasn’t sure if he even liked Patton anymore, and it hit his chest like morning a loss of a departed loved one. 

—-

As Emile waved some of the last party attendees away, he sighed inwardly. This whole event was taking a lot more out of him than he realized, his joints screamed in protest of doing anything more tonight. As he surveyed the disastrous remains of his basement he groaned. If he cleaned up now he’d be absolutely wrecked tomorrow, and wouldn’t be able to make the most of Patton’s visit. But if he waited he might not have the energy for it in the morning, and his stepdad would be pissed. Just the thought of that made him feel like complete garbage, and he could already feel the pain induced mental fog start to fall over him. All he wanted was to lay down and rest.

Amidst his contemplating, Remy snaked a hand around his waist and pulled him into his side, kissing the top of Emile’s head. “Thanks for the party babe. Don’t worry about the clean-up, I got it.” 

“What about Patton?” Emile hummed nuzzling into his boyfriend’s chest.

Remy chuckled, “I think I’m gonna have Pat pass out on the couch for a bit. Gurl drank an awful lot.” 

“Yeah…” Emile sighed, pulling away for a moment to rub his face. “Do you think it was a bad idea to invite all of them tonight? Roman and Logan didn’t seem really happy when they left. And when I checked in with Patton he said he was fine, but he was also a bottle and a half of whisky in so I’m not sure how much I believe that.” 

Remy sighed, with a shrug. Emile knew this wasn’t really Remy’s area of expertise. While he had been by Emile’s side for most of the shitshow, he wasn’t directly involved with it. He didn’t feel the sting, the paranoia of never being to trust Dee. Of screen shotting their conversations just to have ‘receipts’ of his actions. Didn’t feel how much stress it put on Emile after Patton left for Baltimore. Or didn’t feel the sorrow witnessing the tears that came down Patton’s face as he, and Dee encouraged him to forget Roman and Logan after they left. 

Pangs of guilt hit Emile’s chest as he remembered how much a part of the problem he had been. And although Patton constantly denied it, Emile knew he was also partly to blame for how things turned out. How Patton turned out. Even if it was just a small part, he contributed to the destruction of the famILY.

Emile was shaken from his thought’s as Remy pulled him in once more, running a comforting hand through Emile’s hair in an attempt to soothe his boyfriend. “I think it was for the best. Babes have a lot to work out, but at least they got started. It’s gonna take some time and patience, but I think they’ll make up eventually.” 

“You sure?” Emile hummed, nuzzling deeper into Remy. “I think they’re hurting.” 

“Yeah, well, it’s natural that the start of this would be painful.” Remy reassured, pressing his cheek to Emile’s head. “Pat’s not just gonna forget a backstab like that. It’ll take some time but he’ll come around.” 

‘ _I’m not so sure about that._ ’ Emile thought, but didn’t say anything. ‘ _Pat will never admit that he’s still angry. He won’t even talk to me about what happened. And we talk about everything._ ’

“C’mon.” Remy encouraged, tugging on Emile’s sweater softly. “Lets get you to bed. We’ll worry about this in the morning.” 

Emile didn’t say anything, he just let himself be slowly helped up the stairs and to his bedroom. Remy was right, the fog had settled in and it was getting harder and harder to think. He just needed rest.

He didn’t have enough spoons for this tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this introduction to my new project is much shorter than most of the other works I’ve done (and really that this is a HUGE departure from my normal stories) but it’s kinda close to me, so please be gentle with it.


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